Browsing: Uncategorized


Cheaters & Broken Hearts is where you will find information and support that will help you get through one of the most painful experiences of your life–a partner’s infidelity.

When you find that your partner has been unfaithful, you’re heartbroken. You feel as if your heart is in a vise, and you’re filled with so many emotions–pain, rage, fear, humiliation…. You think of getting revenge on the “homewrecker” you see as the cause of all your heartache. You blame the other woman, seeing her as nothing short of the devil. When your partner is a cheater, you’re suspicious of everything he does, and with good reason. You’re miserable. There is no trust, because he has broken that trust. 

Those are just a few of the thoughts, emotions, and realities of the love triangle. Few of us escape this life without being involved in, whether willingly or not, or affected by, a love triangle. Fewer still are those involved and not deeply scarred.

As we all know, having an unfaithful partner is one of the most painful and devastating experiences a person could have. Believe it or not, equally as painful are the experiences of the other woman. Even the cheater usually doesn’t get by unscathed. That’s not to mention the pain of the families, mutual friends, and especially the children of the people in whose lives has crept the monster we call infidelity. 

We scream, we cry, we threaten suicide, we hold on, we leave, and we attack. Nothing seems to ease the pain but time, prayer, and lots of support. That’s why Cheaters & Broken Hearts is here. I can’t promise you that the pain will disappear completely, but it will become manageable, and your life will get better. It might not seem like it right now, but the tragedy of infidelity can be a blessing in disguise. If you’re with a ‘serial cheater,‘ it’s better that you know, and that you put him out of your life!

The purpose of this website is to bring some understanding to those who hope to find it. With understanding, we can learn to accept what has happened and to forgive those who have hurt us. In doing so, the road to healing is wide open for you. It is my hope that this site will be instrumental in helping to bring you to that healing.

I’ve had many messages from visitors who have thanked me for the site and for helping them through horrible times in their lives. Those messages are also confirmation to me that in creating this site, I’m doing something helpful for women (or men) who are suffering. I hope it will help you, too.

I hope you enjoy the time you spend on this site and that it can help you to recover from the hell of infidelity, regardless of your point of view. 

I’ve just added a forum on the site, so I hope you’ll take a few minutes to share your thoughts on there. Of course, that’s public. Talking with others who know how you feel can be very therapeutic.  I ask that you treat others in the forum with respect. Anyone found to be posting abusive or hurtful comments will be banned.

Because of the volume of requests from my readers, I regret to inform you that unfortunately, I am no longer able to respond to them. I sincerely apologize. This is one of the reasons I decided to write the Cheaters & Broken Hearts BOOK, which will be published and available this month–February 2015.

Make yourself at home. Have a great stay, and take care of you!


(For the sake of simplicity, and because I’m writing from a woman’s point of view, the cheaters are referred to as males, and the betrayed and “others” are women. Most of the advice given to women could also work for men.)

The Cheaters & Broken Hearts ebook is available on Amazon! 
The cover of the book is linked to the Amazon ebook page. 
Cheaters & Broken Hearts is also available on Smashwords in all ebook formats. It will be available in paperback from Amazon in a few weeks. I’ll let you know when! For more info on the book, go to KITTEN’S BOOKS.

{ Comments are closed }


Infidelity is such a painful experience, which not only causes you to question the validity of your relationship, but it also makes you question your own judgment. You wonder how you could’ve trusted, not to mention loved, someone who could make the conscious decision to hurt you so deeply. If you made the mistake of believing he was trustworthy, you wonder why you should trust yourself to make those decisions again.

You question what you did or didn’t do, what you are or are not, that might’ve caused your partner to cheat. You wonder what you could’ve done to prevent it, but the simple truth is that you probably couldn’t have prevented it, no matter what you did or didn’t do. There are exceptions, of course, but most of the time, it’s a simple matter of chemistry and opportunity.

There are so many factors that affect a person’s strengths, weaknesses, successes, failures and choices–everything from our relationships with our parents to our DNA. All those things also affect our relationships as adults. I’m hoping to share the different points of view, giving you understanding, which is important for our own well-being, as well as for your relationships, current and future. 

The key to healing is forgiveness. And the key to forgiveness is acceptance and understanding, and hopefully, in learning about the different areas of the triangle, we can reach that goal.

{ Comments are closed }


The Cheaters & Broken Hearts ebook is live on Amazon! The cover of the book (above) is linked to the Amazon ebook page. Cheaters & Broken Hearts is also available on Smashwords in all ebook formats. It’s also available in paperback from Amazon! 

​Thanks for all your support, friends! It’s because I feel so bad about not being able to communicate with each of  you individually that I knew I had to write this book, giving you even more helpful information and suggestions on how to heal and feel better!

I appreciate each and every one of you, and I hope and pray that you will soon be in a better place emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and even physically, if that’s what it takes for you to heal.

If you buy the book and you like it, PLEASE review it for me! I know that not everyone will like it, and I’ll probably get a lot of angry people criticizing me for not hating ‘the other woman.’ But this book (like this site) is not about hating—it’s about healing. Remember that. And even if I do get some haters reviewing the book, that’s okay. Controversy creates buzz, and buzz creates sales. 

It would be nice to make back some of the money I’ve spent on this website. Since I published it in May of 2011, I’ve spent about $1000 keeping the site up. That’s a lot of money just to try to help people, but that’s how passionate I am about trying to make up for some of my mistakes. This website and book are the lemonade I’m making from my lemons! ; )

I’ve published a novel entitled KEEPING SECRETS and its sequels, KEEPING SECRETS II and KEEPING SECRETS III.
The story has no connection to infidelity, but many of my readers have expressed interest in the book, so I wanted to provide the link to those who might want to read it.

KEEPING SECRETS is available in all formats of e-book on Kindle is also available on It’s a psychological thriller with a very sexy edge… 

WARNING: Contains adult subject matter that some may find disturbing, including domestic violence and sexual battery. This is a very dark story about survival–two damaged souls who find love after both being abused. 

A tormented man, Greg Parker, is obsessed with a woman he raped 16 years ago but hasn’t seen since then. Over the years, he transforms himself from Johnny Moretti, the skinny geek and rapist, into a very attractive and manipulative man, not even recognizable to himself. 

The woman, Abbie Kolbeck, is haunted by the memory of her rapist, someone she trusted. When he contacts her after all those years, she’s drawn to him, believing the familiar feeling between them means their union is fate. She has no idea she’s falling for her rapist.

After a whirlwind romance, Abbie finds that Greg is being investigated for the murder of his best friend and the friend’s girlfriend. And after a not-so-gentle session in bed, she realizes that he’s the man she forgave for raping her so long ago. 

Abbie wants to believe Greg’s denials, but she’s torn between her feelings for him, and her desire to protect her daughter and herself from a man the police are telling her is a murderer. 

The book is getting great reviews, so check it out! I hope you enjoy it!

The sequel, KEEPING SECRETS II: No More Skeletons, is now available in ebook at all your major ebook distributors, including and KSII is also available in paperback on

WARNING: Contains adult subject matter that some may find disturbing, including domestic violence and sexual battery. This is a very dark story about survival–two damaged souls who find love after both being abused. ​
Everyone is saying it’s better than the first book, and I agree! It’s a white-knuckle, rollercoaster ride of a dark romance that will keep your stomach in knots until the last page! 

That’s right—Greg is back! Abbie hopes her promise not to tell the police about the murders, as long as Greg stays away, will keep her and her family safe. But not even his fear of going to prison for murder could keep Greg away from Abbie. This time, however, it’s not just Abbie that he wants. He wants Taylor, too.

After a visit with Ellen, who allowed him to be brutalized as a child, Greg comes undone. His obsession drives him to abduct Abbie and Taylor, taking them on a five-state crime spree, desperate to flee from multiple law enforcement agencies. 

As Abbie struggles with her convictions, her emotions, and her overwhelming need to protect Taylor, the body count rises! What will she do? 
You can see my author page at Kitten K. Jackson, Author.

The sequel, KEEPING SECRETS III: GENERATIONAL CURSES, is now available in ebook at all major ebook distributors, including and KSIII is also available in paperback on

WARNING: Contains adult subject matter that some may find disturbing, including domestic violence and sexual battery. This is a very dark story about survival–two damaged souls who find love after both being abused. 

“I couldn’t let a little thing like dying keep me away from Abbie. She’s my soulmate, and I intended to keep it that way. When I told her I would never let her go, I meant it.” 
— Greg
“His eyes met mine, and I could see his pain. I tried to imagine what he was feeling, loving me so much and not being able to be with me due to the fact that I didn’t want him, because he was dead. But I did want him. I just didn’t want him like that. However, my heart and my body didn’t get the message.” 
— Abbie
Yes, Greg is back! But this time, the tables have turned. There’s a new villain in town, and her name is Sarah. She has emerged from a watery grave, and she’s hellbent on having Greg for herself, even if it means killing Abbie. 
How many will have to die in this dark tale of twisted, everlasting love?

FOREVER CAMDEN is my first erotic vampire romance, and it’s scorching hot! 

“I would never have chosen to depend upon the taking of blood for my very existence. What a profane act we perpetrate. I find the thought repulsive and simultaneously intoxicating. But no matter how vile I find the practice, the craving is akin to an addict’s dire compulsion for his drug of choice, though much more intense. It cannot be completely controlled.”

Those are the words of Camden Garrett. He was turned on the night he proposed to Karina Sinclaire, the woman who controlled him with a loving, yet intense, discipline, in 1910. After sunset the following day, he drank human blood for the first time and then went to end his engagement and tell Karina he had to leave without her. That decision led to a tragedy of epic proportions that would haunt him for the rest of his unnatural life.

Just over a hundred years after that fateful night, with his mind still set to avoid ever caring for another woman, Camden meets Melanie Caine. Something intangible about her reminds him of Karina, and he’s drawn to her. He’s overwhelmed with emotions, and he fights them with all the strength he possesses, because of a desperate need to protect her… from himself. 

His biggest fear is making the same mistake he made at the Sinclaire estate so long ago. Will history repeat itself? Will Camden’s fear prove valid? Is he capable of containing his all-consuming lust for Melanie’s body and her blood? 

“You are vampire. Drink blood, or you will die.”

THE COMING DARKNESS  is the continuation of the story of Cam Garrett and Melanie Caine.

After narrowly escaping Cam’s murderous wrath for what he did to Melanie, the devious Michael has fled, so instead of worrying about his insidious intentions, Cam and Melanie have an opportunity to focus on their romance… or do they? 

The chance meeting with a vampire from Cam’s past provides Michael the perfect opportunity to make another play for Melanie. Though Michael’s plan of betrayal implodes, Cam’s unintentional impropriety causes Melanie to seek retribution in the only way she knows how. 

Will Cam’s shattered heart survive Melanie’s plot for vengeance? Can their love overcome a pain so great that it sends one of them over the edge? 

A vampire without humanity is lethal and unrelenting. 

The darkness has come.

{ Comments are closed }


This is a new forum, so I need your help in getting it started! But first, note that anyone who uses this forum must treat other users with respect and compassion, regardless of which side of the love triangle they are on. Anyone found to be posting abusive or hurtful comments will be banned from the forum. Please read ‘FORUM RULES’ BEFORE you post.
The purpose of this site and this forum is understanding, forgiving, and healing—not hurting people. If you see abusive comments, please report them to me immediately, so I can delete them and ban the user. 

{ Add a Comment }


How many times have you finally gained the strength to get away from an abusive, addicted cheater, only to rush into a relationship with another man who is just as bad for you, if not worse? You aren’t alone. I even remember telling one such man that I knew I should leave him, but that I knew I’d find someone else just like him, so I might as well stay with him. How sad is that?
This type of woman is discussed in great detail in Robin Norwood’s book Women Who Love Too Much – When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll ChangeRobin describes the way these women subconsciously recreate the dynamics that were present in their childhoods, in a desperate attempt to fix what was wrong and conquer the pain. If she can change her current relationship, making the unavailable, cruel, distant, alcoholic, commitment-phobic liar love her, she feels as if she can stop the pain from her childhood that she constantly carries with her.
Robin calls women who love too much co-alcoholics. I don’t like the term co-alcoholic, because it is alcohol specific. It seems to imply that the addiction of the woman is only to an alcoholic, which sometimes it is. Other times, it isn’t. The man to whom a woman who loves too much is obsessively drawn might be a drug addict, a gambling addict, a workaholic, or just a cruel, controlling, unavailable man. And by “unavailable,” I don’t necessarily mean that he’s married to someone else. He might be married to the woman who loves too much, but still unable to commit to her–a cheater. Or he might be a man who is in prison, or who lives in another state, or even another country.
I prefer to call these women co-dependent, which conveys a dependency, but not upon a specific type of addict. The dependency is upon the man who represents an opportunity to fix the past and take away the woman’s pain. Co-dependent women (and men) seek partners who are needy in some way. He might be sick, unemployed, and addicted, or he might be a cruel, controlling over achiever.
Regardless of the specific ‘need’ of the man, the co-dependent woman sees him as someone she can ‘help,’ which she believes will give her the upper hand in the relationship. She believes that in such a situation, the man will become dependent upon her, and she won’t have to worry about the man leaving her. No matter how many times she sets up this type of scenario and sees it fail, she’s still compelled to try it. It’s all she knows.
Women Who Love Too Much is a book I’ve recommended to many women over the years. I first bought and read it back in 1986. It has helped me identify and leave lots of relationships that were causing me pain. I recognized myself in many parts of the book, and I learned to pick up on the warning signals with these men and get out before they became violent. However, because I didn’t ever completely work the recovery steps given in the book, I wasn’t able to avoid once again getting involved with the type of man that was sure to cause me pain.
Because it has been 17 years since I was physically abused by a man, I mistakenly believed that I was healed. Actually, I think it was more about denial than being mistaken. I didn’t want to put in the work it would take to dig through all the pain from my childhood and early adulthood in order to heal. I told myself that because I was able to pick up on clues that men were violent and abusive, avoiding being physically abused, I didn’t need any more help with being co-dependent. I kept struggling with relationships, almost exclusively with commitment-phobic alcoholics, but still, I refused to connect the dots.
Then recently, I talked to a woman whose life could’ve been a case history in Women Who Love Too Much. As we discussed her current relationship, I recalled quotes from the book and told her as much as I could remember. She talked about leaving her boyfriend and going out with a nice, decent man with whom she said she wished she could feel an attraction, but didn’t. She said, “I just kept thinking, maybe if he would call a bitch or something…” 

She was describing the way women who love too much feel bored and uncomfortable when they try to be with a man who could actually care for them and treat them with respect. It struck me so hard that I bought another copy of the book.

After reading Women Who Love Too Much again, I realized how desperately I still need to work the steps. I still struggle with many, if not most, of the same issues I did all those years ago. I still carry the pain from my dysfunctional childhood, along with pain from so many rejections, lies, and betrayals, and physical, verbal, and emotional attacks from men I’ve loved. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I still have a long road ahead of me.
If you find yourself in these situations and realize that you’re a woman who loves too much, don’t feel ashamed. You learned to behave the way you do, and you learned to deal with the kind of pain you’ve experienced. It molded you, but you aren’t carved in stone. You are like clay, which can be remolded. You can work to change these old patterns of behavior and to learn new ones–healthy ones. You can learn to respect yourself and love yourself enough to be drawn to others who will also respect and love you. We can work together on this. I know I’m going to be working on it!
I feel so strongly about the help that is available in Robin Norwood’s book Women Who Love Too Much, I not only suggest that you read it–I’M BEGGING YOU TO READ IT! And don’t do what I did all those years ago. Don’t read it and put it away. Even if you do, you will gain some knowledge about why you do the things you do, and about the type of men to whom you are attracted. But if you work the steps she gives for recovery, I believe that you will succeed in recovering. I’m determined to work those steps and recover, too. The first step in the book is reaching out for help. I’m doing that. Your first step is to read the book. Don’t waste another minute.
Clicking on any of the title links will take you to, where you can purchase the book. I am not an affiliate, so I don’t make anything on your purchase. I just want to make it easier for you. If you prefer, you can get it at a local bookstore, but the ones I checked were sold out. Call first, and they can order it for you.
I hope that you will take my advice, and take that first step to your recovery. It won’t be easy, but if you do, know that I’m with you. I’m working them, too. I’m determined to heal, and I want you to heal. Let’s do this!

{ Add a Comment }


First, I have to say that getting over any man you love obviously won’t be easy. And unfortunately, I don’t have a magic recovery pill. I wish I did! But learning how to deal with anything is all in your perception of it. 

If you think of the man as your soulmate, someone you can’t live without, etc., you won’t ever be able to let him go, not to mention get over him. Think reality.

I have some suggestions that are sure to help, once you’ve made the decision to end the relationship. I know this because these things have helped me! (Remember that these are my opinions. All decisions must be made by you.)

1. Face the facts!
Girls, if you think he’s cheating, he probably is. (See 16 Signs that He’s Cheating.) And if you’re the other woman, he’s cheating on you every time he goes home! That man does not deserve to have you and another woman. I don’t care if he’s a good father, a millionaire, or the best looking guy you’ve ever seen. You’re not doing yourself or your children any favors by staying with someone who doesn’t love and respect you. And if he truly loved and respected you, he wouldn’t be with another woman!

2. Stop communicating with him.
You have a lot of thinking to do and a lot of decisions to make. You can’t see what’s best for you while he’s trying to get you to focus on what’s best for him, which is his first priority. In his mind, it’s all about him. Don’t let it be all about him in your mind. Make it all about you!
3. Put your feelings for him aside.
You can’t possibly make objective decisions if you stay in that foggy state we think of as love, but I call “crazy mode.” It’s not really love. If you’re involved with a man who is emotionally and/or sexually involved with another woman, there are very unhealthy dynamics at play, and though there might be some love in the mix, obsession is much more likely.
Regardless of whether there is love on your part or not, remember–if he truly loved you, he wouldn’t be with her.  Feelings are just too difficult to define or measure, and they can change, and usually do. They are unreliable, so do your very best to not consider them when trying to make decisions in a case involving infidelity.

4. Look at what the relationship is doing to you.
Ask yourself how your life has changed since he has been a part of it. How has your mood, personality, energy level, outlook on life, etc., changed since you found that he is cheating or since you found that he is married? 
It is practically impossible to be involved with a cheater and not experience some level of depression. Some women (like me) have even considered suicide, and some have actually taken their lives because of the intense pain they felt while loving a cheating man. Girls, he’s not worth it. You have a life to live, and he’s obviously not supposed to be a part of it if this is how he makes you feel. Don’t fool yourselves. It’s easier to realize it and accept it if you write it down. Start keeping a journal.
5. Make a cons list.
Okay, notice that I didn’t say, “a pros and cons” list. That’s because you need to put any positive things about the man out of your mind! No one is 100% bad or 100% good. Even the most evil people have some positive qualities, but that doesn’t mean they’re good for you!
List every negative personality trait, every unattractive physical trait, every time he’s ever done or said anything that hurt you, and anything at all that you don’t like about him or your situation. I know it hurts, but this is a really important step.
6. Study what you’ve written about him.
Be brutally honest with yourself about him. This is no time to be politically correct. If you think his head is too big for his body, add that to your cons list. If he said you need to watch your weight, add that to the list, and think about how that made you feel.
Think about the way you feel every time he walks out your door, when you either think or know that he’s going to see “her.” Do you really think you deserve to be treated that way? How dare he treat you that way? Who does he think he is?
7. Get angry!
Don’t stay angry, but anger is good for a time.  It spurs us to do what needs to be done! Think about the arrogance it takes to keep one woman at home to cook, clean, wash his clothes, take care of his children, and care for his home, and to have another woman on the side for his romantic, sexual pleasure. He doesn’t have the right to lie to and cheat on his wife, but he also doesn’t have the right to lie to and use another woman.
No woman deserves to be treated disrespectfully. Whether you’re his wife or his other woman, you deserve to have a man who loves, adores, and respects you enough to resist the temptations of other women. It’s time for you to see him for the disrespectful, arrogant man that he is!
You don’t love HIM! You love the man you thought he was! If you’re his wife of many years, maybe you love the man he used to be, but more likely, just as the other woman, you also love the man you imagined he was!
It’s time to start loving and respecting yourself, and when you do that, you won’t want to hold onto a man who doesn’t treat you with the utmost love and respect! If he can’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated, HE DOESN’T DESERVE YOU!
8. Get rid of him!
Make up your mind that you are ready to stop being a doormat, and start being the strong, beautiful (inside and out) woman that you were created to be, and send him packing!
(Ladies who are married to cheaters will have to file for divorce to force him out of the house. There are legal issues to consider, so speak with an attorney before you take this step.)

If he calls you, don’t answer! If he leaves a voice mail, DELETE IT WITHOUT LISTENING TO IT! If you listen to it, you will only be confused, so don’t do that to yourself. Same goes for texts–don’t read them. Delete them! If he leaves a note on your car, rip it up. If he shows up at your house, tell him through the closed door to leave, or you will have him arrested. If he doesn’t leave, have him arrested! If he cries, just remember all the times you’ve cried over him. It’s about time he learns how it feels to lose someone he loves.

9. Consider him dead.
That sounds harsh, but what I mean is that you should consider him that far out of your life. Dead men can’t talk, text, or type, so as above, ignore them all. But in this step, you need to let yourself grieve. If you have to pull out pictures of him and stick pins in them or burn them, go for it. If you have to cry until your eyes are swollen shut, that’s okay. If you have to get rid of everything that reminds you of him, get busy. Grieve the death of the relationship, bury it, and move on.
10. Don’t look back.
Okay, for me, the key to this step was to realize that the man I thought I loved so much didn’t even exist! I loved a man who, in my mind, was kind, generous, loving, devoted to me, “faithful” to me, honest…. After years of suffering, I realized that he was none of the above! He had his moments, but overall, he was a completely different person than the guy I thought he was. I focused on those moments, rather than looking at the days, months, and years of his being a jerk.

When you have a weak moment (or night), pull out that cons list and journal, and read everything you wrote about him. Remember every time he was with her. Remember every time he made you feel like you weren’t good enough. Remember every condescending word he ever said to you. Remember every lie. Surely, you don’t want to contact him!

Then remember that the sweet, loving, faithful man you love so much is nothing more than a figment of your imagination. No matter how weak you feel, you can’t contact someone who doesn’t exist, so don’t let yourself go there, even in your mind.

But if you do go there in your mind… remind yourself of how horrible he made you feel. Remember the betrayal, the lies, and the humiliation. It won’t take you long to realize that you’re not longing for HIM. You’re longing for SOMEONE. And that someone is who you thought he was.
11. Move on.
The first step toward moving on is to forgive both the cheater and the other woman (or women) he is/has been with. This might take a while, but if you don’t do it, you’re only hurting yourself, and you won’t ever be free of that pain. (See Queen of Unforgiveness.
Once you’ve done all the other steps, it’s time to experience life without him. It’s okay if you feel uncomfortable. You’ve seen yourself as ‘his’ for a long time, and it will take a little while to adjust, but you can do it. I know you feel needy right now, but no matter what–do not let it show! Do not let your anger show! Do not let your pain show! Save all that for your therapist, your girlfriends, or your support group!
It’s not easy to start over, so just take baby steps. You’re not ready for another relationship! You need to nurture yourself and find that strong, confident woman you used to be. Or if you were never that strong, confident woman, now is the time to work on becoming that woman.
12. Read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. 
(Maybe I should’ve put this as step #1!) In order to keep from repeating the same relationship mistakes you’ve made before, you need to understand why you do the things you do, and how to change those things. This book is an excellent resource for that purpose. It even gives you the steps to take to make the positive changes in your life that will help you avoid getting into a relationship with another cheater. After all… why leave this cheater if you’re just going to hook up with another one? Don’t let yourself do that! Find out how to avoid it.
The link above will take you to, where you can buy the book. I am not an Amazon affiliate, so I do not profit from your purchase. I just believe in the book so strongly that I want to make it easy for you to find it. If you choose to buy it at a local bookstore, call first to make sure they have it because though the book is not new, I’ve found that it is frequently sold out. Your local bookstore can order it for you if they don’t have it. You might also find it in the library.
13. See a therapist.
Actually, this could’ve also been listed as #1. It’s important, regardless of where you are in the process.
Having a man cheat on you, whether you’re the wife or the other woman, is devastating. It shatters your self-esteem, it makes you doubt yourself and your own judgment, and it destroys your sense of security. I think that everyone can benefit from some counseling, but when you’ve been involved with a cheater, you definitely need some help in getting back on your feet. Having an unbiased opinion from a licensed therapist can be extremely helpful in getting yourself back on track. Give it a try, and you’ll see what I mean.
I receive so many messages from women who are practically begging me for advice on how to deal with cheaters. It breaks my heart to read about their pain and struggles, because I’ve been through so many of the same or similar experiences myself. Ladies, if you follow the steps I listed above, they will help. Trust me. But as always, what you do is up to you.

{ Add a Comment }


I don’t think there are many men out there who don’t understand the importance of sex in a relationship, but there are a lot of women who just do not seem to get it. They seem to have the attitude that since they “got him,” they don’t have to work to keep him.
We have to remember that men are almost perpetually in a state of arousal. It takes nothing more than a look, a word, or just waking up in the morning, and they’re ready. If you don’t take care of your husband’s sexual needs, don’t be surprised if he finds someone who will. That’s not to say that infidelity is acceptable! It’s not. But when you look at the reality of the situation, you’ll realize that it’s not only possible–it’s likely.
There are some cases of infidelity that begin with an emotional attachment to someone, but most of the time, it’s about chemistry–sexual attraction. It’s exciting, it’s fun, and it makes you feel young. It’s like a drug, and it’s very difficult to resist even when you have a good sex life at home. But for a man who is feeling sexually frustrated because his wife either denies him, or shows no interest in him sexually, it’s almost impossible to resist.
So you’re thinking, I take care of my responsibilities. I let him make love to me. Think again! He doesn’t want you to let him make love to you. He wants you to not only participate, but he also wants you to enjoy it. He wants to feel wanted, and most men would love to have their wives initiate sex, at least occasionally.
After couples have been together for a while, they begin to get a little (or a lot) lazy in bed. They know the buttons, and they know the order in which to push them to get the job done. They get in a rut of doing exactly the same things, in exactly the same order. No talking, and sometimes not even kissing. Very little foreplay, if any. Okay, that might get the job done, but is it exciting? Is it something he’s going to be thinking about while he’s at work tomorrow, and his sexy assistant is flirting with him? Probably not.
So you don’t find him as attractive as you used to. He might feel the same about you, but if you love him, and you want to hold onto him and not lose him to someone who does find him attractive, you need to start thinking of him differently. Think of the way you felt about him when you first met. Think of the sparks, the fireworks, the animal attraction…. It was awesome, wasn’t it? What happened? Bills, children, careers, housework, weight gain, blah, blah, blah. Okay, things change, and things get in the way. But that doesn’t mean you can’t still have that spark. Talk to him about it. Then start doing something about it.
One of the easiest things you can do to spice up things in bed is to wear some sexy panties, a teddy, or a pretty nightie. So you don’t look like you did when you married him…. Trust me–he won’t care! It will mean more to him than you can imagine!
Many women have secret sex lives in the deep, dark places in their minds. They have active fantasy lives of which their husbands are not aware. They read romance novels, living vicariously through the characters in the stories. But why should those fictitious characters have all the fun? I understand–it takes a lot of trust to open up yourself and share your fantasies with your man. But if you love him, and he loves you, chances are really good that he would be thrilled to hear about your fantasies. If you feel humiliated by the idea of talking about it, try talking in the dark. Or maybe you could write your fantasies out for him. (WARNING: DO NOT share fantasies about being with someone you know, especially a past lover. That would be sure to cause distrust and pain to your man.)
After you’ve shared some of your fantasies, maybe you could do some role playing. Some common fantasies that people like to play out are doctor or nurse/patient, boss/secretary, and cop/law breaker. You are only limited by your imagination and your willingness to participate! Maybe you could write out a scenario you’d like to play out, complete with dialogue. He’d probably be ready to get started immediately!
Okay, so maybe you aren’t creative. In that case, get some help. Read some erotic stories together. You can find anything you want online. If you don’t want to read them with him, read them alone before he gets home or before you go to bed. It’s a great way to get in the mood. I have a friend who is a really good author. She writes vampire erotica. I’ve never been a big fan of vampires, but she’s won me over! If she can’t get your juices flowing, no one can! Master For Tonight & Master For Tonight II by Elaine Barris. My books, Keeping Secrets & Keeping Secrets II also have some steamy scenes! 

Speaking of getting in the mood… that’s another issue that a lot of women have. They just aren’t interested in sex. Maybe you never had much of a sex drive, or maybe it’s diminished over the years. Whatever the case, it doesn’t have to be that way. Part of it is probably the way you think (or don’t think) about sex. Don’t allow yourself to look at it as a chore or something you’re obligated to do. Look at it as something you’re blessed to have. As a woman who has spent most of her adult life in long-distance relationships or without someone, it has always amazed me that women who had husbands who loved them and wanted them didn’t appreciate them. Consider your husband a blessing, and remember that he needs to feel your love for him sexually.
For women who have hormonal issues that affect their sex drive, there are some supplements you can try. I took them years ago for a possible hormone imbalance, but I had to stop, because my sex drive became overwhelming! You can find information about them elsewhere online. But ALWAYS check with your doctor or pharmacist before adding supplements to your diet, especially if you are taking prescription medications or other supplements.
Hopefully, the following will sound ridiculous to you, but there are actually some women who have been with the same men for years, but have never told their men what turns them on physically. They expect men to magically know how to please them. They might think of their husbands as lousy (or lazy) lovers, but that might not be the case at all. We’re all different. We like different things. What might drive me crazy might make you throw up! If you’ve never talked with your husband about the things that make you feel good, or things you think would feel good, it’s time! It might be a little embarrassing, but you can do it. As with the fantasies, you can always write it out for him if you’re too embarrassed.
When talking to a man about the way you want him to do something, or about the way you don’t want him to do something, choose your words carefully! Be very positive. For example, “Honey, I really like it when you…” or “I’d love it if you would…” NEVER say anything like, “I hate it when you…” or “It grosses me out when you…” Remember the fragile ego. He wants to please you, so if he feels that you’re criticizing him, he’ll be hurt and embarrassed and feel as if he’s failed you. Think of how you’d want him to teach you, and use that as your guide.
Women are notorious for having sexual hang-ups. We have a fear of the unknown, so we hesitate to try new things, and we miss out on immeasurable pleasure just because we’re afraid, embarrassed, or unsure. Okay, for clarity, I’m not suggesting that you have a three-way. I think that’s a mistake for any couple, and I strongly urge you to think long and hard before doing something like that. If your husband is pushing you to do that, he’s probably only one short step away from cheating if he hasn’t taken that step already. (Talking about it as in a fantasy is fine, but doing it is something else entirely.) 

No, what I’m talking about are things you and your husband can do together such as making love outside, or in front of a hotel window, or maybe on your kitchen counter. I know, granite would be cold, but you get the idea. Mix it up!

Let’s talk toys. Especially for you ladies who have a difficult time achieving orgasm, a vibrator can be your best friend! If you haven’t tried them before, go online and check them out. There are all kinds of toys you can try. Most men are completely open to this—anything to help you enjoy sex! However, before you go busting up into your bedroom with your new friend, talk to your husband about it. There are some men who are very insecure, and they see the use of toys as an insult to their manhood. Explain to him that it’s not that he is lacking in any way, but you’re just interested in trying some new things. That should help him relax.

I’m sure you’ve heard of people using whipped cream, chocolate syrup, ice cream and other sweet things as toppings for their own sweet spots. WARNING: DO NOT EVER PUT ANYTHING SWEET ON OR NEAR THE GENITAL AREA–HIS OR YOURS! Doing so can cause severe vaginal and urinary tract infections! I mention his, too, because if it’s on him, it could go inside you, and that’s not something you want! If you want to try something like that, keep it on the upper body and do not perform oral sex until you’ve brushed your teeth and rinsed your mouth thoroughly!
Girls, there’s one thing that must be discussed here. We all know how important it is. When we’re in a new relationship, we usually do it, but then gradually, we do it less and less as time goes on. You know what I’m talking about–ORAL SEX. Most women aren’t particularly fond of giving it, and granted, it isn’t the easiest thing to do, but the importance of it cannot be stressed enough! It’s also important to not have that I’m-gonna-puke look on your face. Okay, it might not be completely honest, but try to look as if you’re into it. It can actually be exciting for you, too, if you focus on how much pleasure you’re giving him. The more you do it, the easier it will be. But remember–NO TEETH! 
You might be thinking that all this is for your man, but you’d be surprised. The way it usually works is the more you do for him, the more he’ll want to do for you. That doesn’t only go for sex. If your man is happy in the bedroom, he’s much more likely to be happy outside the bedroom, too. And a happy man is more likely to paint the living room than a sexually frustrated man is! So the next time your husband seems frisky, show him what you can do. Or better yet, don’t wait! Just out of the blue, reach over and grab his package. A little touch can go a long way!
***Since I wrote and posted this article, I had a male friend tell me in an email that if women would read this article and do what it says, it could save a lot of marriages! I agree!***

{ Add a Comment }


Forgiving those who have hurt and wronged us is the most important step when it comes to healing our own minds, spirits, and hearts. You might be thinking, I don’t want to forgive them! They don’t deserve to be forgiven! But here it is–IT’S NOT FOR THEM! IT’S FOR YOU!

Another reason you might not want to forgive them is that you think you have to stay with him if you forgive him. YOU DON’T! You absolutely do NOT have to stay with someone who hurts you just because you’ve made the choice to forgive him. Those are two separate issues and two separate decisions—ones YOU have to make.

Here’s a very important issue to consider. If you refuse to forgive, holding on to all that hate and rage, you can literally cause you to become ill. I’m talking about everything from gastric and heart problems, to cancer! How’s that for an incentive to forgive?

Sometimes we hold onto all those awful feelings and refuse to forgive, because we think of it as punishment for those who hurt us. But does it work? I mean, have you ever had someone toward whom you had bad feelings come up to you and say, “You’ve gotta stop feeling this way! It’s really killing my new girlfriend and me that you’re resentful, bitter, and full of rage!”? Ya know?

When someone cheats on you, either he moves on, or you (meaning both of you) try to hold on and work it out. If you try to work it out, and you (meaning you alone) can’t forgive, you have ZERO chance of working it out. If he moves on, and you can’t forgive, you have ZERO chance of working it out WITH SOMEONE ELSE! Why? Because that bitterness and rage will cause you to punish the next guy who comes along.
Okay, I’m not saying you should throw caution to the wind and give yourself 100% to the next guy that comes along. To the contrary–you should be cautious, and look for signs that the next guy is worthy of your trust before you give it. But if you want to give a relationship a chance, you can’t blame the new guy for what the last guy did. You know he didn’t do those things to you, but it’s like you have to punish him just in case he’s going to, right? I know. But is that fair? And does it work? I should know. Remember, I was the Queen of Unforgiveness. It doesn’t work!
It wasn’t until I was in therapy years ago that I learned about forgiveness–forgiving others, as well as forgiving myself. I didn’t really understand what it was. I thought it meant saying that what the offending person did was okay, and by gosh, it wasn’t, and I wasn’t going to say it was! But that’s not what forgiveness is. It means that you’re making a decision to give up those awful feelings you’re holding onto, that are eating you up inside. You know, those feelings that make you sometimes feel like you’re going to be sick, but don’t do a thing to him? Yeah, those.
Forgiving also means that you give up any “right” or opportunity to get revenge on him for what he did. That’s a tough one. I know you want to hurt him back. And I know you think it would make you feel good, and it might–at that moment. But later on, when you had time to cool down, if you really loved him, you’d feel bad about hurting him. Okay, you think he deserves it, but does he? Are we so perfect that we should have the right to judge others?
When I found Jesus, I began to understand how important forgiveness is. The Bible tells us that if we don’t forgive others, God won’t forgive us for our sins. That’s powerful! When I first read that, my heart almost beat out of my chest! I knew I was in trouble, so I started praying all the time for God to put forgiveness in my heart for these people who had hurt me. I told Him that I was making a conscious decision to forgive these people, and I stopped obsessing over what they had done to me, and how I could get back at them. And it began to happen. Gradually, those awful feelings began to fade.
Another thing that made a huge difference in my life was another scripture that really scared me. You’ve heard it–“Judge not, lest ye be judged.” Or in today’s language, “You’ll be judged by the measure to which you judge others.” So if you think he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, as far as God is concerned, neither do you, according to the Bible. Those are some really profound words, and they made a huge difference in the way I feel toward others. It’s hard not to judge others, but you have to train your mind to not go there. And it doesn’t mean you’re okay with what they did–just that you’re not willing to flip the switch on the electric chair! 
Have you ever thought of the amount of time, effort, and energy you waste on hating and raging about things people have done to hurt you? Have you thought about how much good you could do for yourself and others if you used all that time, effort and energy toward something positive? If you’ll trust me on this, and let go of the hate and unforgiveness, you’ll see what I mean. Your heart will feel so much lighter, and that grimace will leave your face. You’ll smile, your depression will get better (or maybe even disappear completely), and you’ll even look younger.

If you go out with that angry grimace on your face, you’ll be the biggest jerk magnet in town! I know–I’ve been there. But after you’ve learned to forgive others and yourself, you’ll be in a much better place mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, and then you will be more likely to attract the kind of person who won’t hurt you again. Healthy people are attracted to healthy people. If you need therapy, if you need God, whatever you need–do it for yourself. You deserve to be happy, and forgiveness is the key to happiness.
If you want to feel better for you, forgiving is something you need to work on. First, forgive yourself for your own sins, mistakes, and bad decisions–stop beating yourself up! And then start working on forgiving others. It’s usually a process that takes some time, and if you’re used to holding onto those old painful feelings, you’re probably going to need help. God will put forgiveness in your heart if you will pray sincerely for it and open your heart to receive it. If you don’t mean the prayer, you’re wasting your time. But you can forgive. Trust me! If I–the former Queen of Unforgiveness, Bitterness, Rage and Pain–can do it, ANYONE CAN DO IT!!

{ Add a Comment }


Okay, when I say “hate,” I’m not talking about disliking someone. I’m talking about having intense feelings of hostility toward someone, to the point that you want to hurt that person. It’s easy to see how you could feel that way about someone who constantly does things that cause you pain, but who does that help? Or who does it hurt? It probably doesn’t hurt the person you hate. Most of the time, that person will hate you, too, so it doesn’t matter to him or her. It only makes that person feel justified in whatever he or she is doing that hurts you. No, the hate mainly hurts the person who feels it.   
It entails unforgiveness (in most cases). It’s a feeling that can consume you, and whether you know it or not, it robs you of your peace and happiness. You’re probably thinking, No, he (or she) robs me of my peace and happiness!! But, and I learned this in therapy, people can’t rob you of your peace and happiness if you don’t let them. You do that yourself when you choose to hold onto hate and unforgiveness. And if that’s not enough to make you want to put away the hate, what about disease? Did you know that harboring hate and unforgiveness can literally cause you to get sick? It’s true. Don’t do that to yourself.
Your feelings are your choices. When I first heard that, I thought it was crazy. I thought I couldn’t control the way I felt–that I was subject to my feelings. But the truth is that our feelings are controlled by our thoughts.
Think about it like this: Let’s say that there was a person you knew and cared for, who was convicted of murder. You don’t know whether this person is guilty or not, but you never would’ve imagined he could kill someone. However, you would probably not consider this person as a potential mate for many reasons, but mainly because there’s at least a chance that he killed someone. But there are some people whose hearts would go out to this guy. They would see him as a victim, and be drawn to him. Okay, they probably have issues themselves, but the point is that the difference in the way a person feels about something or someone is all in their perception–in the way they think.
Many, if not most, women tend to be consumed with hate for the other woman. Somehow, they manage to forgive, or at least get past, what their partners did by cheating, but they hold onto their hate for the women they choose to see as the reason their lives fell apart. First of all, remember who it was that cheated on you–your man! Then, try to look at the intent. That works in any situation–not just infidelity.
When you feel that someone has wronged you, look at their intent. If they didn’t mean to hurt you, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, but it means that your pain was not something they wanted or intended to create. Whatever they did wasn’t done with malice toward you. They didn’t mean to hurt you. In many cases, the person who hurts you feels really bad about the fact that what they did caused others to hurt.
You might not think it matters, but it does. Let’s look at another example: Say you’re playing softball, and a friend throws the ball and accidentally hits you. She runs over and tells you she’s so sorry, and checks to make sure you’re okay. Now, let’s say you’re playing softball with another team, and on that team is a girl who has hated you since elementary school. She throws the ball as hard as she can, and she hits you! You see the look on her face, and you know it was intentional.
In both cases, you’re hit by a ball, but one person wanted to hurt you, and the other didn’t. It makes no sense to hate the person who accidentally hit you. As for the one who hit you intentionally, you could hate her, but what would that accomplish? The best thing you could do is to tell her there are no hard feelings and smile–not a wicked smile, but a sincere one. It might change her feelings toward you, and all the hate could go away. That would be nice, wouldn’t it? That probably won’t happen, but it would at least make her think about you as a person and that maybe you’re not the person she thought you were.
I once met a woman in a community college I attended. We became friends, and one day, she was telling me that I was nothing like she thought I would be. She said, “Gah, Kitten! If people would just get to know you, they wouldn’t think you were a bitch!” I laughed, and said, “Thanks… I think.” 

Another similar instance was on my first day at a new school in Pensacola. A guy (who is still a good friend) walked up to me and said, “Cathy ******* hates you.” I asked him who she was, and he told me she was just a girl, and she was probably jealous. This was a girl I had never met, and as it was my first day in that school, I had obviously never done anything to deserve the hate!
Most people don’t care if someone hates them. They go on about their lives, and don’t give it any thought, but I’m not like most people. I do care. It bothers me. I wish I could change most of the things I’ve done that hurt others. In other cases, I wouldn’t want to change what I did, but I definitely wish those things hadn’t caused any pain for anyone. I’m  sorry about any pain that I’ve caused. I’ve said and done many things that I wish I could take back and change, and for those things, I’m sorry. I hope that these women can get past their hate and heal their own hearts.
The thing that really made me work hard to not hate was when I read in the Bible that hate is the same as murder!! So if you hate someone, you’re basically guilty of murder! I am not saying you should murder–I’m saying you should NOT HATE!! That really scared me, and it made me think long and hard about the way I thought and felt about people who had hurt me, whether they meant to or not. And when I started to make changes in my thoughts, giving them to Jesus, letting him take them away and cleanse them, I began to see these people as human beings, and not as monsters. My feelings began to change, and the hate gradually faded.
I can’t say that I don’t have any bad feelings at all, though I try not to. But I can honestly say that I do not hate anyone. There is no one that I would harm physically, given the chance. There is no one that I would harm mentally or emotionally, given the chance. There are, however, some people who are full of hate toward me, and with those people, I would like to talk and to share my side and my feelings about the issues they have with me–not to hurt, but hopefully, to help. 
If you are full of hate, please consider the things you’ve just read. Think about what the Bible says about hate (look it up, if you don’t believe me). Think about the fact that your thoughts control your feelings. Try to think of these people and their actions. Maybe they didn’t mean to hurt you, but even if they did, you still don’t have to hate them. I’m telling you this for your own good. Especially if you have children, it’s not good for them to see your bitterness and hate. That only teaches them to hate, and I know you don’t want that for them.
Just remember that we’re all human. We make mistakes. We do things we regret. We do things we’re ashamed of. We all do, and that includes you. None of us is perfect, and we all deserve to be forgiven. Try to think of it that way, and work on putting away the hate. You won’t believe how much better you’ll feel when you stop carrying around all those hateful feelings! That’s some really heavy baggage you can leave right where it is, and never have to pick it up again! Give it a try.

{ Add a Comment }


Passing the buck seems to be the way people handle every situation in which they find themselves in trouble. No one wants to take responsibility for his own actions. It’s always someone else’s fault, or it wouldn’t have happened if someone else hadn’t done something to tempt you, and so on.
It’s difficult to claim responsibility for things we do about which we are ashamed and embarrassed. It’s much easier to blame someone else or make excuses for our actions. I understand that. But I also understand that if you’re capable of having sex outside your marriage, you should be big enough to take responsibility for it. 
It’s simple. Men, if you love your wives, and you want to stay with them, do not get involved with other women! But if you do, don’t blame the women with whom you cheat! Be strong and mature enough to admit that you made a mistake and that no one else is to blame! I mean, if you aren’t honest enough to say, “Okay, I screwed up. I’m sorry. Please forgive me, and I’ll do my best to make it up to you,” why should your woman give you another chance?
Sometimes it isn’t the guilty party that makes the excuses. When it comes to infidelity, the betrayed almost always buys into the idea that the other woman is responsible for her man’s infidelity. She takes that ball and runs with it. She tells everyone she knows about how that woman relentlessly threw herself at him until he just couldn’t resist her anymore. Nonsense!
Ladies, think about this. What do you think of a man who blames someone else for his own bad decisions? Do you respect weakness and immaturity? What about respect for yourself? Do you think you deserve to be with a man who is unfaithful to you and doesn’t even have the decency to admit he made a mistake? What kind of man can’t take responsibility for his own actions and blames a person that he brought into the mix?
How can you defend a man like that? How can you believe anything he says? How can you trust him? Why would you wantto? He put his own sexual gratification above your feelings. He decided that getting off with someone else was more important to him than protecting you from being hurt. By shielding him from taking responsibility for what he did to you, you’re defending him. You might as well tell him that what he did was okay. That’s the message you’re sending to him. As always, it’s your decision, but I have to wonder… why would you do that? 
First of all, you don’t have to be a genius to know that no woman can force a man to have sex with her. If a man has sex, he does it because he wants to, regardless of what he might tell you. This is what most people call “common sense.” I don’t call it that, because it’s logic, and thinking logically is not so common. Logic tells us that men aren’t jumping into bed with women against their own will. They enjoy it, so they do it. So how is anyone other than the cheater responsible for his choice to cheat?
This is a subject about which people feel very strongly. I understand what it feels like to have a man be unfaithful to you. It hurts like crazy. And I understand that you love him, and you’re looking for a way to avoid blaming him. That’s the only way you can justify staying with someone who chose being with someone else over preserving his relationship with you. But should you justify it?
Look at it this way: Say you have two little boys. The older one does something wrong, and the younger one goes along with it. You give the older boy a hug and tell him to sit down and eat. You send the younger boy to bed without dinner because he took part in the older boy’s misbehavior. Does that seem fair? Does it even make any sense? No! But blaming the woman with whom your husband cheated, while holding onto him and holding him blameless, is basically the same thing. She might’ve gone along with his sin (IF she even knew he was married), but HE is the one who broke HIS vows. HE is responsible for HIS actions, but you aren’t holding him accountable. Instead, you’re holding someone else accountable for something HE did.
When we do things about which we are ashamed, we sometimes try to justify or minimize them. But strong, mature, responsible people stand up and claim the blame for their own actions. They don’t pass the buck on to someone else.
If I didn’t love my husband, and I refused to meet his needs, and he found another woman who did meet his needs, I would definitely feel at least partially responsible for his infidelity. Ultimately, it would be his choice, and his actions would be his own responsibility. But to a certain extent, I would have to share in the blame for the failure of the marriage if I didn’t take care of him, because my actions (or lack thereof) would have contributed to the demise of our relationship.
My first husband cheated on me regularly, and he abused me physically, emotionally, and sexually.  Even so, when I cheated on him, I was wrong. When I was involved with men who were with someone else, regardless of what they told me (or didn’t tell me), or why they were cheating, I was wrong in being with them. I take responsibility for my own actions, BUT I WILL NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS, just as I would not have blamed the guys with whom I cheated in my first marriage. It wasn’t their fault that I chose to cheat, because I was too weak to leave my abuser. They weren’t responsible for my actions, and I’m not responsible for anyone else’s actions.
Most people quickly jump to accept praise for their accomplishments, and that’s fine. However, when it comes to taking the blame for their mistakes, they aren’t so willing to step up. I think that’s usually due to fear. But remember–we all make mistakes. None of us is perfect. I’m not suggesting that any of us throw stones. We need to try to be understanding. 
I am, however, saying that if you do something wrong, you should accept responsibility for what you’ve done and not try to blame it on someone else. Those who claim their own mistakes are much more likely to be respected than those who try to pass the buck. If you did it, own it, and try to make amends. That’s the only way you’ll ever be able to re-establish any trust. There’s no guarantee, but that’s your best bet. Man up! 

{ Add a Comment }